Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Only fictional people can make my day better

adidas couldn't have asked for better product placement

Nobody likes to hear how you've had a crap day. Especially when the things that make it crap aren't really that big a deal. For example, sitting in the office of your student newspaper for too long, or the said office being full of hungover screaming people indulging in in-jokes that aren't you; or a five o'clock lecture on American identity, or the fact that two creme eggs eaten in quick succession can't improve matters much.

Whiney whiney yawn. However, the result of all these minor tragedies is that I can justify some self-indulgent onesie-wearing, milka-eating, and 'treat blogging'. What's even better than this magically restorative trio is the fact I have something totally amazing to blog about. That something is the fictional person Sue Sylvester.

Ever since I discovered Glee a few weeks ago, my Monday nights have been transformed. Sure, the cheesy harmonic covers and 'mash-ups' of pop songs are good, the High School setting intriguing and the outfits of neurotic staff highly desirable. But the real glee behind glee is the one-woman, one-liner behemoth that is P.E teacher and leader of the Cheerios, Sue Sylvester. Since seeing her vulnerable side after an alcoholic anchorman rejected her (in a ZOOT SUIT, no less) swing dancing ways last night, I think I love her a little more.

Not since I was seven and wanted Dick King-Smith's horse-riding, farm-loving Sophie of Sophie is Seven fame have I longed so much for a fictional person to appear in my real life. Actually, that's a bit of a lie; when I was fourteen I would've given the majority of my intellect for The OC's Seth Cohen to take me out on a California boardwalk so we could talk about the merits of Ben Folds. Once again, I have fictional-people-I-wish-were-real cravings. Ironic, really, as when P.E teachers were real and highly terrifying creatures in my life I would have done practically anything to avoid them.

What has really kick started this insatiable longing is finding Sue Sylvester's fan page on facebook. Like all good phenomena, her fan page is regularly updated, and, furthermore, in a manner that is suggestive of her real-life existence.

Now I don't have to wait for a whole week to establish how Sue C's it, I can simply sit on this page, day or night, and learn her opinions on all sorts of matters. Like, for example, on Valentine's Day she announces that "all these Internet dating sites are LOUSY with fatties, not that I've been looking". On 4th January we learn that "by sheer force of will, I've managed not to move my bowels in over a week". Stati like that just don't come with real people. Plus I'm one of 140, 331 Sylvester fans. Should I start making an icon of her, that's when people can get worried.

No comments:

Post a Comment